“The simplest acts of kindness are far more powerful
than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
The other night at dinner I sat next to a dear friend I rarely get to see. For his 60th birthday, Randy and his husband had taken over a small restaurant they love and were hosting a beautiful meal for about two dozen people. “No gifts,” the invitation had said, “just dinner with good friends.” The setting was elegant and intimate, one long table set with candles and flowers, dusk falling, wine glasses being filled as each guest was warmly welcomed, introduced, and drawn into conversation.
In the moments before dessert was served, I asked my friend about his hopes and dreams for his sixties. I expected he’d return to a theme common in our conversations over the years – his impossible work-life balance – and that turning sixty might be prompting him to spend fewer hours at the office and more in his garden. I wouldn’t have been at all surprised if he’d expressed a desire to slow down, to read more books, take more bike rides, travel to new places, or just to spend more time with his partner of thirty years.
Instead, he answered my question with a word, one he’d clearly given some thought to already. “Kindness,” he said. “I’d just like to be more kind.”
My friend is one of the most intuitive, compassionate human beings I know. A psychiatrist with a private practice, he’s also the medical director at a large detox facility and an expert in addiction and recovery. In addition, he’s served as the therapist at a number of local boarding schools and, for many years, spent a day each a week working with veterans at a nearby VA hospital. He’s devoted his career to being with people who are struggling, lost, in pain, listening not only with his mind but also with his heart. Kindness, it seems to me, is the quality that unites and informs everything he does.
And yet, when he envisions the years ahead, it is not more experiences or more achievements or more things or even more time my friend wishes to create space for, but more kindness. I looked around at the faces of those gathered at the table, everyone enjoying their dinner, the good company, the intangible yet precious gift of belonging and of feeling cherished, and realized my friend’s quiet kindness campaign had already begun.
In the days since Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain took their lives, I’ve found myself engaged in a number of conversations about despair. There is the anguish of the world at large, ever present, delivered to us daily in whatever dose we deem bearable. There is a president whose assaults on truth, democracy, and human dignity are not only horrifying to many but life-threatening. There are, always, heart-wrenching losses close to home – a friend’s son’s sudden death, another’s diagnosis, a loved one’s lost job. There’s the general level of rudeness and pettiness woven through the fabric of our own everyday doings – and the challenge of how to respond in the moment to the blaring horn at a stoplight, the flipped finger, the casually tossed F-bomb, the hate-filled bumper sticker, the town clerk who frowns and turns her back rather than extending her office hours for five more minutes. There is the dizzying sense of changing norms, the realization that cruel, inhumane language and behavior that would not have been tolerated in the recent past is now considered acceptable and is sometimes even applauded.
And then there is the unfathomable mystery of what it is to be a hurting human being engaged in a life-or-death battle with depression, shame, misery, and suicidal impulses. We wonder how lives that looked so very splendid from the outside could have felt utterly unbearable on the inside. And we think of those among us who are wrestling with their own private demons but who may also be isolated, broke, weary, without any financial security or social connections, let alone fame, fortune, and adoring fans to brighten the darkness. If the Kate Spades and the Anthony Bourdains of the world can’t go on, we might well ask, what hope is there for any normal person who’s feeling desperate and alone?
As I think about the people I love whose lives are shadowed by depression, anxiety, addiction, illness, or grief, I can’t help but wonder about all the others whose daily struggles are invisible to me. Surely I walk among them, oblivious. Surely I, and we as a culture, have a great deal of work to do. Shocking as these two very public suicides have been, they also serve as a reminder that too many others are suffering in anonymous silence. The stigmas of loneliness, need, and mental illness create dangerous, destructive barriers between us. A country in which 45,000 people a year commit suicide is a country that is deeply troubled.
Meanwhile, as a nation, we seem to be losing something essential and ineffable – our belief in basic decency as a part of the social contract. As Andrew Solomon observes in his necessary, profoundly wise essay about suffering and the preventable tragedy of suicide in the June 8 issue of The New Yorker:
On a national stage, we’ve seen an embrace of prejudice and intolerance, and that affects the mood of all citizens. My psychoanalyst said that he had never before had every one of his patients discuss national politics repeatedly, in session after session. Now there is a continuous strain of anxiety and fear from one side, and brutality from the other. Hatred is depressing—it is of course depressing to be hated, but it is also depressing to hate. The erosion of the social safety net means that more and more people are at a sudden breaking point, and there are few messages of authentic comfort to offer them in these pitiless times. One is done in by disease, by isolation and despair, and by life crisis. At the moment, many people’s vulnerability is exacerbated by the unkindness manifest in each day’s headlines. We feel both our own anguish and the world’s. There is a dearth of empathy, even of kindness, in the national conversation, and those deficits turn ordinary neurosis into actionable despair.”
Of course, coming upon these lines this morning, I thought right away of my friend’s birthday intention. I recall, too, something the Dalai Lama says quite often: “My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.”
It does sound like such a simple thing, kindness. Almost too plain and obvious to warrant much reflection or discussion. And yet, the notion of kindness as a religion gives me a sense of direction after months of feeling a little lost. In so many ways, we are profoundly powerless. We can write another check, make another phone call to a politician’s answering machine, show up to vote. But we cannot make pain and suffering disappear. We can’t control the hurtful actions of others or silence the voices that threaten, humiliate, insult, or shame. We cannot solve the opioid crisis, keep the desperate family together at the border, slow the arctic melt, or prevent the disturbed teenager from killing his classmates. We can bring more kindness into the world. Sometimes, that is all we can do.
Kindness is about showing up, unbidden, and doing whatever there is to be done. Kindness requires us to listen, to be present, to stretch in ways that may be uncomfortable, unfamiliar, risky, new. Kindness asks that we give of ourselves, generously, and without thought of reward or repayment. And yet there are invisible dividends for even the simplest good deed, be it a smile offered, a hand extended, or a word of support given. Any act of kindness fortifies our connection with the person we have touched. Kindness, as our spiritual teachers remind us, is our true nature, our own untrammelled, always-available route to an inner sense of well-being. Being kind may not make us successful or rich or heroic, but being kind does make us a little happier and someone else’s day a little better — and really, that’s saying something. Kindness is our gift to one another, to the world, and to our own best selves.
Kindness is my soul daughter Lauren taking a day off to drive four hours north to Asheville to visit my son Jack, stopping along the way to fill her car with groceries for him. “No one ever did that for me,” she explained, “but I always thought how nice it would be.”
Kindness is my husband and his sister flying to Florida together this week to accompany their widowed sister to the hospital for a hip replacement, and to cook and clean and care for her when she gets home.
Kindness is my friend Maude, who pauses repeatedly as we walk together to clear branches away from the path, to carry a small orange salamander to safety, to pick up a piece of trash by the roadside, to compliment an elderly stranger’s well-behaved dog.
Kindness is my son Henry offering to spend a week of his summer supporting and caring for a beloved professor who’s recovering from open-heart surgery.
Kindness is my dad who, when he finishes mowing his own lawn, goes ahead and mows his neighbors’ lawns as well. It’s my mom, calling to say, “Stop in for dinner with us,” when we’re driving home from the airport and she knows my own refrigerator is empty.
Kindness is my neighbor Debbie, tucking yellow foxgloves into my garden to replace the ones that didn’t survive the winter.
Kindness is my friend Ann stuffing her pockets with one-dollar bills every time she goes to New York City, and then stopping to greet each street person she encounters with a smile and a friendly word. It is my friend Margaret, who built a website for the young flower farmers in her town, and then joined forces with a local shopkeeper to help them create a shop of their own. It is my friend Tracy, who invites everyone she knows to send a Valentine to her grandmother in a nursing home in California. It is the hundreds of people who read her Facebook post, buy a pretty card, and write a note to an elderly woman they do not know.
Kindness has a way of replicating itself, rippling outward, gathering energy as it goes, setting more and more kindness in motion, bringing a bit more peace and goodness into the world.
I know all this already. And yet, even so, there’s quite a difference between being nice when it suits me and actually dedicating myself to kindness. Henry James knew it, too. Which is no doubt why he took pains to make his own priorities so clear: “Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”
It’s so tempting at times to respond to all that’s wrong in the world by allowing our hearts to harden, our kindness to atrophy, and our expectations of ourselves and others to shrink. But I’d rather go the other way. I want my heart to remain open, to soften, to grow. When I feel most vulnerable, I want to reach out and gently touch someone else’s tender place. When fear or sadness threaten to overtake me, I want to remember that kindness is a way forward. And when anger flares, I want to respond not with reactivity and defensiveness, but with patience and compassion.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srkj63VBSHM
In four months, I’ll turn sixty, too. Time, it turns out, is finite. And the truth of what really matters comes into sharper focus by the day. Watching the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School drama students performing “Seasons of Love” at Sunday night’s Tony Awards, I was surprised by the tears streaming down my face, only to realize that nearly everyone in the audience was weeping, too. I suspect our tears were as much about hope for our shared future as they were about sadness for the senseless tragedy that claimed the lives of these kids’ friends. In the face of unspeakable loss and senseless violence, these brave young people are choosing kindness and love, passion and presence, as their path toward healing. We can take a cue from them.
I wonder how my life might change if I were to commit myself anew each morning to just one simple thing: cultivating a kinder heart. How would the world change if each of us did the same? Could it be that the only appropriate, indeed the only humane, response to actionable despair is actionable kindness? And could it also be that our last, best hope for saving ourselves and our planet is to make kindness our religion, too, a religion that recognizes and confirms our inextricable interconnectedness, and that rejects any leader or dogma or doctrine that makes any human being feel separate, unsafe, or unworthy?
Suddenly, my own bucket list has become pretty short. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.
thank you, Katrina for the kindness you show in sharing these thoughts. It needs to be in every breath as we inhale and as we exhale, the first and the last.
Blessings,
Emily
We often forget the greatest commandment is to love one another. Charity is the pure love of Christ. When we lose ourselves in the service of others we forget our own problems. I too have suffered depression due to my lovely hormones but I feel so much better making a meal for someone or dropping a gift on a friend’s doorstep or visiting the sick and elderly. I also have lost myself in tracing my family tree which has given me pure joy! Since learning more about my ancestors and learning about the generational traits we inherit from our ancestors (such as depression etc) it is a comfort to know that we are not alone and we can have empathy for them and for others. We shouldn’t fear. We are loved by our Heavenly Father. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
much love
Meredith
Every part of my heart responds with a resounding YES to your beautiful clarion call for daily acts of kindness. Thank you, dear friend, for this much-needed, timely post. Your words are water to a parched landscape. xoxo
I can’t say it any better than those who’ve commented before me, but I do thank you, as always, for beautifully expressing your own kindness (which seems to me to be an essential part of you, expressed through your writing). Your words are a balm that may ease those of us in existential angst enough to perform our own acts of kindness. Thank you so much. Blessings to you.
First, this is a beautiful piece. Thank you. I have struggled of late thinking about the 10,000+ immigrant children. CHILDREN. Wondering who is kind to them. Who holds their hand? Who comforts them with the power of a simple touch? It brings tears to my eyes and I feel a little bit helpless. Thank you for keeping the focus on actionable kindness.
Thank you so much for this. You words are a lifeline and a much needed reminder that the values which seem so far removed from our world in 2018 like kindness and decency do still matter and are still out there, and an important call to action that if I need to see them in action it may need to start with me.
Kindness…the most precious and valuable thing we have and we can offer. Thank you, Katrina for this wonderful essay <3
I sat down on my summer porch to read my daily “Katrina dose” from Moments of Seeing, but opening my email I read this instead. It brought tears to my eyes. I will share a few of these words in the eulogy I’m preparing for the death of a dear, kind friend who died of cancer way to young.
breathtakingly beautiful, and so necessary. thank you for injecting this into the world. may it ripple and ripple……once again i want to print out your words, and tuck them in my pocket, to pull out frequently and often. (emphasis intended.)
Yes – kindness and love! There is so much I could say but your words fill the space beautifully. Thanks I needed this this morning!
Perfect piece, thank you.
I was so happy to see your email this morning. I too have been concerned about your writing absence. Selfishly, I cling to your words and often re-read past blog posts in an effort to stay on my life path. So thank you for these uplifting words. I turned 60 in January and I too think showing kindness to be a life goal.
Love!
Your words are such a gift ..thoughtful, compassionate and hopeful. I have had ‘be kind’ as my words for the year for several years and am still a work in progress. Everyone wants to be seen. To matter. Each of us can offer this to others if we are intentional and take the time. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you for this kindness. Namaste.
Your essay is a gift. Thank you..
Beautiful and sweet
The fleeting moment is now
Live it with kindness
Thanks for the heart reminders Katrina……as daily life intrudes, life’s true goals sometimes get lost in the fog. We welcome the “wake up” calls!
Thank you so much for writing, I’ve missed your words. And this message of cultivating kindness is needed now more than ever. Blessings to you from afar dear Katrina.
Yes, yes, yes! And thank you for articulating it so beautifully!
Thank you Katrina❤️
Wonderful to see your message this morning and to read, and reflect on these beautiful words.
Thank you
Wow…this was wonderful. This will accompany my pursuit of happiness. A very good way to be…kind.
Perfect read to start the day—thank you. Whenever I’ve been prompted to set an intention—for the past nearly 20 years now—I almost always pick the same one, which appeared in my head the first time I was asked (probably in my first yoga class since college): may I be patient, may I be present, may I be kind—which sometimes gets abbreviated to that last one if I’m in a hurry. Sharon Salzberg has written a pile of books, of which The Force of Kindness is probably my favorite. Pulled it out just now and found this underlined, about halfway through: “The bravest thing we can do, and the beginning of an awakened life—a life suffused with kindness—is to question our assumptions about what we are capable of, what brings us happiness, and what life can be about.” And the piece I’m really focusing on, halfway through my own 61st year, is remembering to include myself in that, finally (finally!) having understood that kindness to ourselves is the nonnegotiable prerequisite to kindness to others—that dropping the harshness we aim at ourselves is what softens and opens our hearts, making room for everyone else.
Kindnes is the way forward. Yes! I agree! Thank you for your thoughtful words, dear Katrina.
Thank you for the reflection. I just had a milestone birthday, so this is timely. I try to abide by the mnemonic THINK before I speak – Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring? Is it necessary? Above all, is it kind? It is a challenge, both in speech and in action.
I have enjoyed your books and blogs for many years but stopped when you got political. I felt your hate for Donald Trump and decided to stop reading. I think you have a lot of good in your heart and words that inspire. But I can’t help but see your hypocrisy when it comes to our president- or people you don’t agree with. There is no kindness shown to him. Witness Robert Deniro’s F-Trump rant on live television.
My religion says love everyone-no exceptions. That is Christianity. You should study it.
You just gave all of us a glorious gift!
As a retired Head Start teacher, my classroom “rules” for 3 and 4 year olds were simple and positive: We’re careful, we’re kind, and we’re listening.” We had many examples of what that behavior looks like, and feels like, and when it did not.
Thank you for sharing with all the grown-ups.
Yes yes yes to everything you so beautifully shared. I’m a teacher, and reminding my students to choose kindness is a daily practice. It would be so much easier – and effective – if they saw the adults around them doing the same. Thank you.
You give me hope. And a clearer focus. Thank you very, very much.
Amen. Thank you for this exceedingly important, beautifully written post. It reflects one of my favorite quotations:
“Life is short, and we have too little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. So be quick to love, and make haste to be kind.” ~ Henri-Frederic Amiel
A heartfelt, kind reminder of how we can as individuals create a better world. I also believe we are inextricably connected for the worse by capitalism which keeps us strapped to fight amonst ourselves. IMO there is a better way, community, communalism, a way forward for which we must ha e the kindness and fortitude to fight for.
Yes! This also brings to mind Mister Rogers, leading the way with kindness, teaching us that nothing is more important than that. Great post, thank you.
Katrina, you are one of the kindest people I know. Kindness and thoughtfulness flows out of your pores nearly every moment of the day. It’s hard to imagine how you could do more. Thanks for the shout out, especially to the people who send out the Valentines cards. It’s certainly a kindness beyond my request. It is amazing how powerful small acts of kindness can be.
I loved reading this as it brightened my day. I think of our kids who are constantly bombarded with news of school shootings, nuclear missiles, devastation, hunger, and I often wonder how I can filter it, but I can’t. What I can do is be kinder and set an example for my kids. Thanks to you, I am going to make a conscious effort to show at least one (if not more) gesture of kindness a day as an example to my kids. I’m not going to say anything, but just do it and hope it will trickle down into their lives. Little gestures do matter and it starts with each and every one of us.
As always, beautiful and needed and thank you, xo
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! It was a perfect reminder of what is most important in life!
Katrina, when I read your words I see your soul and I know why Tory loved you so much. I am struggling with losing her daily. There is a huge void where she used to be. Your words inspire me to fill that void with kindness, intention kindness. I hope we have a chance to meet one day.
That cottage served us all.. Such a gr8 Reminder to do what we can …Kindness starts within.. If there is a way through the toxins it is our self awareness and our ability to act in kindness… We can have passion and strong opinions in a gentle manner.. As I like to practice … and use my cheesy expression.. When u stop being kind… Rewind…
Thanks so much for saying this. Those kids give me such hope.
I haven’t read anything this beautiful in so, so long. Kindness, yes. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Imagine the world we would live in if this was our only prayer ..
Thank you so much for the gift of this post, Katrina. I will keep this nearby to refresh my spirit when I feel overwhelmed by the events all around us. My personal mantra….kindness and love trump all.
I can only duplicate the many thoughts above and THANK YOU for your kind and thoughtful words AND for your frank discussion of our current political climate. I wake every morning with a weight over my head, a dread of what lies ahead, and I long for the days when I just began the day with a hopeful heart. I, and many of my friends, are just feeling so dragged down by the assault every day on decency, on our environment, on respect. The kindness mantra is how I try to get through the day…..but the depression is real and understandable. Knowing we’re not alone is helpful….but obviously not all.
I couldn’t resist chiming in and adding my own thanks for the words you’ve written here. Your message is timely and clearly many of us needed to hear it. xoxo
Just beautiful! Kindness really is everything. I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, “ People may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel. “. So always be kind.
Thank you for your beautiful poetic reminder of who we need to be in this world,-kind katrina kenison-that is now what your name will forever remind me to be!
This! Every single word of it! Thank you, Katrina!
You are an inspiration, Katrina. Thank you for sharing your heart, for being a champion for kindness, for doing your part to make this world a better place. I, too, pledge to make kindness my religion and will endeavor to “spread kindness around like confetti” in my little corners of the world. Blessings to you
Last night at dinner. my soon to be 22 year old son asked me if I could institute a national day, what would that day be?
Without hesitation I said “Kindness Day”. Of course everyday should be kindness day – but it wold be a start. Reading your beautiful words this morning validated once again how connected we all are when we are standing in our souls truth. Thank you as always for being brave and sharing yours!
Thank you for putting into words what has been in my heart. You have such a clear and beautiful way of seeing the world. Thank you for giving that gift to all of us. Kindness creates the ripple effect. How wonderful it would be for us all to strive towards this goal.
This fed my weary heart today. Radiant words, as always.
There is so much misery, sadness and unkindness in our daily news to drag us down. Thank you Katrina for your beautiful and uplifting message. I always feel comforted after reading your musings knowing I’m not alone in my thoughts wondering how we have gone so far astray from kindness and compassion in such a short time.
Ahhhh Katrina, Once again you have nailed it! Beautifully written.
Katrina, I so appreciate this post, as I like so many others often feel despair, and my ability to hope seems frail and unreachable. All people need to be touched by kindness, especially those who feel it’s healing power the most so they gift it everywhere they go to so many. Your writing is a kindness, I absolutely reveled in reading it. 💜
Kindness is my religion. You’ve just summed it all up beautifully. Thank you, Katrina.
Oh my gosh, I almost couldn’t finish reading for the tears. Thank you SO much for this Katrina!
Your gift of generously sharing your “words” with us is a gift of “kindness” for sure……thank you for giving.
Katrina IS one of the kindest people I know. She is the one of those people who shows up with a warm home-cooked meal when I’m sick. With it a basket full of thoughtful goodies: immune tonics, my favorite cheese and chocolate, flowers, and a book she knows I’ll love. She doesn’t just do it once, she does it over and over. She is there when I need a friend to talk to, to cry with, to laugh with, or to enjoy life with. She is there. She reaches out and sees when people are in need. She cares. No matter where she goes, she arrives with her basket full of kindnesses. I often think her heart can’t grow any bigger, but then I think it must with each act of kindness she gives. Katrina, I’m grateful that you show me again and again that kindness does matter. It does make a difference and it does make the world a better place. Thank you for all you do and for all you say.
This essay is spot on…two powerful words that could change our world. Be Kind…..
Thank-you.