My guess is that if you are reading this, you’ve probably seen the YouTube video I made a couple of months ago. There is a line in there that my kids like to tease me about. Well, there are a few actually. But the one that I take the most flak for is: “You learn to text, and to pray.”
As my sons often point out, no one makes phone calls anymore. If I want the instant gratification of communicating with them and getting a response, they’ve told me, I should text, not call. But I’m a terrible texter. Truth is, I haven’t really learned to text, and despite Jack’s patient lesson on my cell phone a couple of months ago, I rarely text either of my sons.
The praying is another matter. When my boys were little, I think I believed that if I was a really good mother, and paid attention, and did everything right, I could keep my children safe from harm. In some kind of unspoken pact with the universe, I kept up my end of the bargain; I made sure my boys buckled seatbelts, cut grapes in half, wore bike helmets and ski helmets and mouthguards and jock straps. We had regular check ups, talked things through, looked both ways.
One March morning seven years ago, the phone rang with the news that my best friend’s son had been killed while trying to stop a fight on his college campus. He was twenty-one, two months away from graduation. I remember my friend saying, at the end of that terrible week, after her beautiful son had been cremated and all the friends and relatives had left to go home, “How am I going to live without him?”
Somehow, she has lived. She carries great sadness, and yet she carries on. She has learned to smile again, to make Christmas dinner, to be steady for her other two sons. My own older son is in college now, the other in high school. And there is not a day that goes by that I don’t sit down, put my hands together, and give thanks for their lives, for the very fact of their existence on this earth. I’ve long since let go of the naive belief that living well and doing good work is any kind of insurance against suffering. We live well and do good work because we are able. And because it’s our job, as humans on this planet, to make ourselves useful and to express our love through both word and deed. There is no deal. The fact is, what happened to Morgan could happen to any child. And any illusion we might have of control or security is just that, an illusion.
The world is perilous and wonderful, both. Terrible things happen, and blessings rain upon us. Our children make good choices and poor ones. They take risks, make mistakes, learn from them, and march, inexorably, toward their own destinies. And much as we may love our sons and daughters, we also learn to accept the fact that love is not protection. It’s just love.
Prayer helps me to remember that. So I sit quietly, saying “please.” And “thank you.”
Katrina,
I remember that murder (having heard about it from nearly everyone at Pine Hill and High Mowing, although I never met the young man myself). I had no idea that you and your family were so connected to his. So very anguishing …
Many folks seem to say "everything happens for a reason", generally suggesting that good things happened to them because they were very prepared, or very virtuous. Others utter the saying because something bad in their life led to something good…eventually.
I always think, in response (and say, when I dare): "Tell that to the people in Darfur. Or Auschwitz." Or to the family of that young man. Terrible things can happen to wonderful people, with no warning, no recourse, and no possible next steps; people are killed in the street, family friends become quadripelegics, young and vital people are struck by fast-acting, devastating, fatal diseases like ALS. Wonderful, virtuous, connected people.
That potential impermanence is certainly reason to live life as fully as possible.
Thanks so much for the blog — it’s almost as great as the book!
Glad to see this blog. Your book has been recommended by many. Next on my list to read!
This post is so beautiful and bittersweet. I am so glad I came across your blog today. I’m a mother of three in my early 30’s and I read "Mitten Strings for God" when my oldest was a newborn. Your book changed my life and the course of my motherhood in ways that I can’t even explain. I have wanted to contact you many times over the years to thank you for the gift you have given to mothers across miles and time. And now I’m able to do so thanks to blogs! Thank you for being such a positive influence to me (and to many mothers I know, and many more I don’t know, too). I re-read "Mitten Strings" at least once a year — it is often just the remedy I need in the throes of motherhood with three little ones. I look forward to reading "The Gift of an Ordinary Day". Thank you again, Katrina.
PS: I would be deeply honored if you had time to visit me in my little online home: http://uncommongrace.typepad.com
Good Morning Miss Katrina!
Reading your post from Saturday it reminds me to how fragile our lives truly are. I can’t imagine the magnitude of pain from the loss of a child, yet these brave mothers carry on. I too have a friend who lost a child tragically over 30 years ago and he says that there is not one single day that passes where this child is not on his mind and prayers. He and his wife have carried on but that loss is married to them until death brings them together again. A death ending life on Earth and beginning a glorious life in Heaven.
Thank you for sharing!
Have a wonderful day Katrina!
Mama Holli
P.S. I posted you up again! Just spreading the word!
http://nobodyputsmamainacorner.blogspot.com/2010/02/give-valentines-day-gift-to-yourself.html
I posted your video on my blog. I bawled my head off when I watched it. Then I ordered all your books. How did it take me so long to find you? I have written about some of the same things you have…but of course, you are so much more kind and effective and eloquent.
SO true, my friend, so true. The moment I got the phone call that my healthy mother had died of s stroke, out of the blue, just after she’d turned 50, was the moment I knew for sure that life just happens and we have to keep moving forward – loving and praying and being thankful for every moment we get with the ones that we love. You always say it with such grace. Thank you, as always, for your words.
Judy
justonefoot.blogspot.com
I just wanted to echo what Grace said above. I, too, am a mother of three and Mitten Strings deeply affected the way I parent my sons. I cannot wait until my copy of your new book arrives. Thank you for so eloquently expressing gratitude for the simple things in life. (Which today here is squeals over the BIGGEST SNOWFLAKES EVER! when the Mama is so ready for Spring.)
Katrina, your words come at just the right time for me. I recently found out that I am pregnant with my first child, and already the worrying has begun. Although I always knew it intellectually, I’m coming to understand through my heart what it truly means to lack control, what it means to surrender all to the universe. It’s a petrifying feeling. I loved your book, and I love your blog, and, if it’s any consolation, I do not know how to text either!
Just found your blog and saw your wonderful You Tube Video. Very touching.
Thanks for sharing your words with us.
Certain phones make texting easier – the one’s with the qwerty keyboard. Having to press 3 times to get a letter is a deterrent for many. Once you go to Qwerty style you may make the transition. I find it comforting to text my college-age children from time to time.
And much as we may love our sons and daughters, we also learn to accept the fact that love is not protection. It’s just love.
Wow, that is a really profound insight. Thank you for sharing.
Also, I wanted to tell you how much I loved your video. You’re a great speaker. I just shared it with my blog readers (with a link to your book, of course!) and they loved it as well. Thank you for recording that. It’s been a blessing to a lot of people.
Dear Katrina,
I could not possibly put into words how deeply moved and awakened I felt after watching your video today. It was a true blessing to hear your words, and it came at a time in my life where I needed to hear it more than ever!!! It was truly a miracle that I stumbled upon it.
I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart for sharing yourself with the world. What an amazing woman you are!
Love and Prayers,
Your newest fan,
Michele
Stick with the texting practice. I had to learn to text in order to communicate with my teenage daughter. I am now so hooked on texting that it annoys me if my phone rings.