{"id":217,"date":"2010-10-25T14:59:28","date_gmt":"2010-10-25T09:59:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.katrinakenison.com\/2010\/10\/25\/so-much-goodness\/"},"modified":"2010-10-25T14:59:28","modified_gmt":"2010-10-25T09:59:28","slug":"so-much-goodness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/so-much-goodness\/","title":{"rendered":"So much goodness"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/span><\/span>I didn\u2019t know it would be our last real conversation.\u00a0 I wish now that I\u2019d taken note last week of every word, paid more attention to the sunlight falling across the bed, the single rose in the vase, the light in her eyes, the smile she offered as I kissed her good-bye and promised I would be with her again on Tuesday.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you coming down for,\u201d she asked, as she always did when I told her what day I\u2019d be back.\u00a0 For once — after months of manufacturing haircuts and book group meetings and pedicures as “legitimate” reasons for me to make the three-hour round trip from my new town to my old one — I simply told her the truth:\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m coming to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I do remember this.\u00a0 As I left the room, she told me to go home and have a wonderful weekend with my son Henry, on break from college for three days. \u201cThere is so, so much goodness in the world,\u201d she said, uncharacteristically insistent.\u00a0 \u201cSo much goodness.\u201d<\/p>\n

For the first time since I began to write in this space over a year ago, I find myself this morning, sitting in my kitchen, at a complete loss for what to say.\u00a0 Early Saturday morning, my dear friend Diane passed away.\u00a0 (Even typing these words gives me pause — I hear her voice in my head admonishing, \u201cdon\u2019t say \u2018after a long battle with cancer!\u2019\u201d Ok, dear, I won\u2019t say that.)\u00a0 I have no words yet for what I feel, for where I\u2019ve been, for the sadness, the loss, the hole that is left in the place where just a few short days ago a vibrant heart still beat.<\/p>\n

A month or so ago, my friend Karen Maezen Miller<\/a> said, \u201cYou know, when the time comes, everything will be exactly as it is meant to be.\u201d\u00a0 I held on to those words all through these last days, and found them to be true.\u00a0 Those of us who were meant to be there were there.\u00a0 Food appeared on the table, friends from near and far appeared at Diane\u2019s bedside, the new puppy peed on the floor, the teenagers came and went, poems were read aloud, wine was poured, tears were shed, fires were lit, sheets were changed and dishes were washed.\u00a0 There was laughter, even in the midst of great sadness.\u00a0 Above all, there was love–unconditional, infinite, all powerful.<\/p>\n

Death and life, one inextricable from the other.\u00a0 What I know for sure now is that a heart can accommodate both, a home can accommodate both, a family can accommodate both.\u00a0 Last week, with love and instinct to guide us, Diane\u2019s family and dear friends transformed an upstairs bedroom into a sacred space. And each of us who were blessed to abide there for a while soon found our own fears transformed as well. We may not know what to expect from death, or whether we are truly up to the task we\u2019ve taken on when we promise to stay near.\u00a0 And then, having made clear our intention to be present come what may, we find that even in our most challenging transitions, we do know what to do.\u00a0 Our hearts tell us how to make love visible. Our hands know, without being taught, how to soothe a brow, change a sick bed, tend a body.\u00a0 Dying is hard physical work.\u00a0 And, despite the most attentive ministrations, life\u2019s final stages are not always beautiful.\u00a0 To be human, it seems, is to suffer and to pray for an end to suffering. And then, in life’s final moments, there is peace, and grace, and even, for one brief instant, a glimpse of the great mystery beyond this earthly realm.<\/p>\n

Returning from this vigil, taking up residence in my own house again, I\u2019m not quite sure what to do with this new knowledge.\u00a0 I do know, beyond a doubt, that Diane was right:\u00a0 There is so much goodness in the world, so much goodness even in the most wrenching circumstances.\u00a0 But at the moment I\u2019m tired, and sad, and raw.\u00a0 A bit in awe, still, of what I\u2019ve seen and lived and learned over the course of this last week.\u00a0 It feels tender yet, this place of grief.\u00a0 So I find my way back into the mundane one step at a time.\u00a0 I am grateful to my own dear husband, for drawing me a hot bath, putting me to bed, folding the laundry and loving me back into our life together. \u00a0 I bring Tylenol to Jack, who is home from school with a cold.\u00a0 I make corn chowder, search the garden for a few last blossoms, and wonder again and again, \u201cwhat now?\u201d<\/p>\n

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I didn\u2019t know it would be our last real conversation.\u00a0 I wish now that I\u2019d taken note last week of every word, paid more attention to the sunlight falling across the bed, the single rose in the vase, the light in her eyes, the smile she offered as I kissed her good-bye and promised I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15183,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,26,30,31,32,39,14],"tags":[195,201,209,270],"class_list":{"0":"post-217","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-acceptance","8":"category-faith","9":"category-gratitude","10":"category-grief","11":"category-healing","12":"category-midlife","13":"category-soul-work","14":"tag-grace","15":"tag-grief-2","16":"tag-healing-2","17":"tag-love","18":"entry"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/600x600.png?fit=600%2C600","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/217","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=217"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/217\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15183"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=217"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=217"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=217"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}