{"id":1786,"date":"2013-05-09T14:03:53","date_gmt":"2013-05-09T18:03:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.katrinakenison.com\/?p=1786"},"modified":"2013-05-09T14:03:53","modified_gmt":"2013-05-09T18:03:53","slug":"parenting-wisdom-a-mothers-day-gift-for-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/parenting-wisdom-a-mothers-day-gift-for-you\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting wisdom & a Mother’s Day gift for you"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Confident<\/a>A<\/span> few years ago, I packed all my child-raising books into shopping bags and delivered them to the used bookstore.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t mean my mothering days were over, of course, but I figured that from here on out I should be able to manage on my own.\u00a0 My sons were young adults, after all, our struggles over bedtimes and screen time and green vegetables and messy rooms were already ancient history.\u00a0 We were forging new relationships with each other \u2013 complicated, yes, but I couldn\u2019t imagine ever again turning to an \u201cexpert\u201d for advice on how to get along with my kids.<\/p>\n

And then I met Bonnie Harris<\/strong><\/a>.\u00a0 Bonnie is a faithful yogi like me, and we often find ourselves side by side in the challenging class we both like to take on Thursday nights.\u00a0 I\u2019d known since moving to town that Bonnie is a revered family counselor and parent educator, that she\u2019s in demand as a speaker all over the world, and that we even shared a New York publisher.\u00a0 I\u2019d heard good things about Bonnie\u2019s book When Kids Push Your Buttons<\/strong><\/a> even before meeting her in person.<\/p>\n

But what really impressed me about Bonnie was her headstand, which she performs with ease right out in the middle of the room.\u00a0 (I\u2019m not the only one who admires Bonnie\u2019s ability to hang out upside down; in class she\u2019s known as Headstand Bonnie.)<\/p>\n

Eventually, Bonnie and I became friends outside of class, and that\u2019s when we first exchanged our books.\u00a0 \u201cReading The Gift of an Ordinary Day<\/strong><\/a> was like having coffee with my best friend,\u201d Bonnie told me, as we finally did<\/i> sit down to have coffee together.<\/p>\n

And reading Bonnie\u2019s most recent book, Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids<\/strong><\/a>, was like meeting my long-lost parenting soul mate.\u00a0 It made me a little sad, too, as I found myself wishing we HAD been friends for years, instead of waiting so long before we finally rolled up our yoga mats and started our conversation.<\/p>\n

I try to stay away from regret for what might have been, but I\u2019ll admit to some here.\u00a0 \u201cIf only I\u2019d had Bonnie in my corner fifteen years ago,\u201d I found myself thinking on every page.\u00a0 \u201cIf only I\u2019d read this book back when the gap between the parent I yearned to be and the day-to-day reality often seemed unbridgeable.\u201d<\/p>\n

There\u2019s no doubt in my mind that my own parenting journey would have been much smoother if I\u2019d known about Bonnie\u2019s philosophy of Connective Parenting all along \u2013 back when my son\u2019s temper tantrums were so scary and confusing to us both, or when every instinct I had was telling me that \u201ctime-out\u201d wasn\u2019t a great idea but I wasn\u2019t certain enough to try an alternative, or when my desire to be the best mother I could be came up against other people\u2019s ideas about how my children should behave or how I should discipline them.<\/p>\n

Bonnie is the parenting guide I yearned for during all those years of raising two very different, uniquely challenging little boys.\u00a0 She\u2019s the wise teacher I searched for in vain in my stacks of how-to books, books that never quite spoke to what I knew in my heart to be true:\u00a0 that the key to success for both parents and children isn\u2019t to improve our kids, but to improve our relationship with them.<\/p>\n

And here\u2019s the funny thing:\u00a0 I was absolutely wrong about not ever needing any more advice about motherhood.\u00a0 In fact, there isn\u2019t a single relationship in my life that couldn\u2019t benefit from a little more compassion and empathy, from a little nurturing attention, from a wise observer\u2019s thoughtful insight.<\/p>\n

The foundation of \u00a0Connective Parenting is pretty simple, and it\u2019s all about perception.\u00a0 Connective Parenting begins with the understanding that a child\u2019s resistance or defiance doesn\u2019t mean that he or she is being<\/b><\/em> a problem, but rather that he or she is having<\/b><\/em> a problem.\u00a0 That\u2019s it.\u00a0 And suddenly we are looking at our child\u2019s behavior not as something that we need to \u201cfix\u201d but as an important clue to their inner struggle in any given moment, a reminder that the way forward is to turn our anger into compassion.<\/p>\n

To put this in Bonnie\u2019s words:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Connective Parenting means that the parent takes responsibility for 100% of everything she says and does but does not take responsibility for the child’s feelings or behavior. That is his job, which he learns well through connection, problem-solving and conflict resolution.<\/p>\n

Connective Parenting gives parents the methods of connection that nurture, encourage and focus on the child’s strengths rather than inadequacies while setting necessary limits to ensure self-respect and respect for others. It engages the child’s innate sense of fairness and logic.<\/p>\n

If we want our children to listen to us, we need to say what they can hear. Not give them what they want, but simply acknowledge and respect what they want. Connective communication encourages listening and talking and feeling important to someone \u2014 interaction. Disconnection occurs when we are indifferent as well as critical, blaming and punitive \u2014 when we unintentionally push our children away.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It probably goes without saying that this truth doesn\u2019t just apply to screaming toddlers or cranky ten year olds or surly tweens.\u00a0 It goes across the board.\u00a0 As soon as I pause long enough to remember that my husband, my grown son, my dog, my neighbor, my sister-in-law\u2019s behavior arises not from some secret desire to drive me nuts, but from their own pain or fear, then we are well on the road to connection.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing how quickly anger can be transformed into compassion, resistance into cooperation, annoyance into empathy.<\/p>\n

Once every other week, Bonnie\u2019s Connective Parenting newsletter<\/strong> <\/a>arrives in my email inbox.\u00a0 Usually, when I see her later at yoga, I can\u2019t resist telling her that the latest issue seems as if it were written just for me \u2013 even if she\u2019s advising a mother of a twelve-year-old who\u2019s just been caught lying, or the parent of a kindergartener afraid of the dark.\u00a0 It\u2019s not the ages of the children, or the specific parenting issues, that make every post she writes so relevant, but Bonnie\u2019s reminders that no matter what problem I\u2019m struggling with in my own life, there is always something else going on beneath the surface.<\/p>\n

My job isn\u2019t to come out swinging and attack the problem, but to explore the root cause \u2013 to lead with my heart and to go in search of the truth.\u00a0 With truth and compassion as my compass, I do feel more confident \u2013 whether I\u2019m hashing out a budget with my son, disagreeing about a vacation plan with my husband, or engaging in an inner dialogue with my own closet-cleaning-averse self.\u00a0 (I can beat myself up for being a hopeless hoarder of outdated clothes.\u00a0 Or, I can unravel the complex emotions that go along with admitting I will never wear a certain black lace dress again.)<\/p>\n

No matter where you are on your own parenting journey, my guess is that Bonnie will meet you there, just as she did me. \u00a0(To experience her warmth and wisdom first-hand, spend a few minutes with her video<\/strong><\/a>.) A few weeks ago, after yoga, Bonnie and I hatched a Mother\u2019s Day plan: to introduce our mothering communities to each other and to give away signed, personalized copies each other\u2019s books on our sites. \u00a0Bonnie and I are both all about connection, and it’s our pleasure to connect our readers to one another!<\/p>\n

Congratulations to Christie and Priscilla, who will each receive signed copies of Bonnie’s book. \u00a0And thanks to all of you for reading and for commenting! \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A few years ago, I packed all my child-raising books into shopping bags and delivered them to the used bookstore.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t mean my mothering days were over, of course, but I figured that from here on out I should be able to manage on my own.\u00a0 My sons were young adults, after all, our […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15183,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[21,8,10,15],"tags":[91,132,134,469],"class_list":{"0":"post-1786","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-books-for-parents","8":"category-parenting","9":"category-parenting-teens","10":"category-writing-and-reading","11":"tag-bonnie-harris","12":"tag-confident-parents-remarkable-kids","13":"tag-connective-parenting","14":"tag-when-kids-push-your-buttons","15":"entry"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/600x600.png?fit=600%2C600","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1786","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1786"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1786\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15183"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1786"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1786"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1786"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}