{"id":14405,"date":"2016-03-16T11:10:08","date_gmt":"2016-03-16T15:10:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.katrinakenison.com\/?p=14405"},"modified":"2016-03-16T11:10:08","modified_gmt":"2016-03-16T15:10:08","slug":"expectations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"IMG_8239\"Before we can change anything in our life, we have to recognize that this is the way it is meant to be right now. For me, acceptance has become what I call the long sigh of the soul. It\u2019s the closed eyes in prayer, perhaps even the quiet tears. It\u2019s \u201call right,\u201d as in \u201cAll right, You lead, I\u2019ll follow.\u201d And it\u2019s \u201call right\u201d as in \u201cEverything is going to turn out all right.\u201d This is simply part of the journey.
\n<\/em>~\u00a0<\/em>Sarah Ban Breathnach, from Simple Abundance<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

I<\/span> was pretty confident I would be a kind of poster child for hip replacement recovery. I\u2019m relatively young, not overweight, in decent shape for someone who\u2019s been slowed down by advancing osteoarthritis for two years.\u00a0In all that time, despite encroaching pain, I did my best to keep exercising. I continued my daily yoga practice, albeit a modified practice using blocks and a chair and bolsters. I waited a full year to see a highly recommended surgeon at one of the country\u2019s best orthopedic hospitals. I scheduled my surgeries for 6 weeks apart at the end of 2105, so I could begin the new year with two new hips.<\/p>\n

And I figured that if I followed instructions to the letter, did my physical therapy religiously, and didn\u2019t push too far or too fast, I\u2019d soon resume my old, normal life. Some people had warned, \u201cThis is major surgery.\u201d But others said, \u201cIt\u2019s no big deal.\u201d Those were the ones I chose to believe. I was nervous, of course. But this had already been a long road. (I wrote about that here<\/strong><\/a>.) And within a\u00a0few days of\u00a0my second surgery, I had myself convinced I would negotiate\u00a0this little patch of rough ground\u00a0easily and soon be back on course with my life.<\/p>\n

Yes, that\u2019s called an \u201cexpectation.\u201d And you\u2019d think I\u2019d know by now that getting attached to an expectation is a good recipe for disappointment.<\/p>\n

About six weeks ago, I had to ask well-intentioned friends to stop sending me YouTube videos meant to lift my spirits and urge me on. There are plenty of inspiring hip replacement stories out there. I\u2019ve watched the sixty year old woman doing yoga<\/a><\/strong> three weeks after her hip replacement.\u00a0And the forty-eight–year-old former gymnast<\/a><\/strong> as she kicked her legs up around her shoulders without missing a beat.<\/p>\n

\"roxas\"I<\/span> marveled at the guy who threw his crutches away<\/a><\/strong> three days after surgery and was doing martial arts and kickboxing a few months later.\u00a0I visited the website for post-op runners<\/strong><\/a> and read their stories of training for and completing marathons with bionic hips.\u00a0The fifty-five-year-old\u00a0Alvin Ailey dancer<\/a><\/strong> is gorgeous and amazing. As is the tap dancer<\/strong><\/a>. Yep, tap dancing, three weeks after surgery.<\/p>\n

So impressive, every one of them. And so not my story.<\/p>\n

Which is to say, I will not be joining the HipRunners club or sharing my recovery\u00a0on dancerhips.com<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

A few weeks after my second hip replacement, on the left side, I began to notice increasing pain and weakness in my left leg. Having already relegated my crutches to the basement, I retrieved them. The pain got worse. And then it became excruciating. X-rays showed there was nothing wrong with the new hardware and blood work confirmed there was no infection. And with that, my highly respected surgeon pretty much lost interest. \u201cTake it easy,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

The day after that appointment, I flew to Florida, fighting back tears with every step and dependent on the kindness of strangers to help me board the plane. My parents met me at the other end, surprised to see how much ground I\u2019d lost. I\u2019d planned this trip to their house here months ago, with the thought (the expectation<\/em>) that by the time I arrived, I\u2019d be almost back to \u201cnormal.\u201d I pictured myself outside walking every day, adding miles, getting back to full speed.<\/p>\n

Instead, for the first couple of weeks here, my mom took care of me. I spent hours those first days online, until I was finally able to diagnose myself: ischial bursitis. This debilitating inflammation can be caused by a discrepancy in leg length (check), extended periods of sitting (check), trauma to the region (check).\u00a0\u00a0 There is no cure but rest and time, pain management, and then, eventually, exercises to begin to strengthen the atrophied muscles.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m better now. Most of the pain is gone. But it\u2019s been almost three months since my last surgery, and I\u2019m a \u00a0long way from kicking up my heels. I still have weakness in my groin area. I have a limp. My left leg is shorter than my right, and that is something I\u2019m going to have to live with. None of this is what I expected.<\/p>\n

And so I\u2019ve done a lot of thinking over these last weeks about expectations. I can certainly relate to Calvin and Hobbes creat0r Bill Watterson\u2019s line, \u201cI find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.\u201d<\/p>\n

Because, really, so much of the disappointment we experience in life has to do with the gap between the way we think something ought to be and the reality of what actually pans out. In retrospect, I wish I hadn\u2019t watched all those videos of the hip replacement superstars. I might have had an easier time, psychologically anyway, if I\u2019d set out down this path with a bit less ego and expectation, and with more humility and curiosity instead. Bodies are unpredictable, after all, and surgery is an art not a science. There are no guarantees.<\/p>\n

And so, I come to the end of this long-awaited time in Florida with new perspective on the process of healing. The physical setback meant I had no choice but to go into one-day-at a-time mode. And having to readjust all my expectations brought me to a place I didn\u2019t expect to be: starting over again at square one. Instead of sailing through these surgeries and the aftermath with flying colors, I sat on the edge of the bed here at my parents’ house six weeks ago and wondered how I was going to lift my foot high enough to get my underpants on.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn the beginner\u2019s mind there are many possibilities,\u201d observes\u00a0Zen master Shunryu Suzuki, \u201cbut in the expert\u2019s there are few.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pain makes you a beginner. Moment by moment, day by day, you learn what your body will tolerate. You figure out what helps and what movements to avoid at all costs. And suddenly, with pain as your teacher, you are really, really awake and really, really paying attention. Simple movements that you once did mindlessly \u2013 carrying the tea kettle to the stove, getting into a car, standing up from the toilet \u2013 demand the kind of awareness and integrity you used to bring to an advanced yoga pose you were trying for the first time.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_8100\"I<\/span>\u2019ve had nearly two months in this lovely house with a pool and a hot tub overlooking a canal. I\u2019ve had time with my mom, time with Henry, and now, before Steve joins me\u00a0for a short vacation, I have two utterly quiet weeks all alone. I\u2019ve had hours each day to stretch, to do exercises in the water, and to experiment on my yoga mat, slowly rebuilding strength and flexibility. What I\u2019ve accomplished wouldn\u2019t make for much of a video, but it feels like progress to me. Both of my legs are getting stronger. And I\u2019ve also learned a few hard lessons about releasing expectations.<\/p>\n

When it comes to my body now, I have to accept that there\u2019s much I can\u2019t control. What I can do instead is\u00a0attend to it.\u00a0The difference is major. Attending means listening, observing, accepting. \u00a0It means working with what is rather than grasping for something out of reach. The path to wellness turns out to be more mysterious and unpredictable than I knew, which makes it scarier and more confusing. But it also makes it beautiful.\u00a0Because as pain slowly eases its grip, what comes seeping into that tender place is gratitude.<\/p>\n

\"IMG_0183\"Y<\/span>esterday, I took my first real walk outside without using hiking poles for support. It felt like liberation \u2013 and like cause for celebration. I walked slowly, thinking about every step, carefully placing heels and toes, focusing on creating a smooth gait. And what I thought about wasn\u2019t that I\u2019m not running or dancing or executing pigeon poses on my yoga mat. I thought about how fabulous it felt to take a walk.<\/p>\n

I watched the sky change colors and the clouds turn golden as the sun sank away. I listened to the mourning doves calling back and forth from their perches on the utility wires above my head. I felt the breeze on my skin and the long\u00a0muscles in my inner thighs that still need strengthening and the awkwardness of having legs that don\u2019t quite match up. But I also felt like myself. Not the old self, who used to run through these neighborhoods, pounding the pavement and dripping sweat, but me, nonetheless: present, in my body, in the world, and still moving. Oh, and happy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Before we can change anything in our life, we have to recognize that this is the way it is meant to be right now. For me, acceptance has become what I call the long sigh of the soul. It\u2019s the closed eyes in prayer, perhaps even the quiet tears. It\u2019s \u201call right,\u201d as in \u201cAll […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15183,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,3,22,30,32,14],"tags":[171,209,212],"class_list":{"0":"post-14405","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-acceptance","8":"category-aging-2","9":"category-change","10":"category-gratitude","11":"category-healing","12":"category-soul-work","13":"tag-expectations","14":"tag-healing-2","15":"tag-hip-replacement","16":"entry"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/600x600.png?fit=600%2C600","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14405","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14405"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14405\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15183"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14405"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14405"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/katrinakenison.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14405"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}